What is Marriage?

This blog was birthed out of a conversation I had been recently engaged in. I facetiously asked a friend of mine : “So what exactly is happening when you get married?” After receiving the expected responses or typical responses, I began to think about the social acknowledgments of marriage. I have attempted to draw them out in the following:

1. Marriage places the two of you in a bond strengthened by God and it places a sacred unity between the two that no longer makes lust for each other sinful, nor casual fornication. Marriage places two souls together for eternity.
2. Marriage is the acknowledgment that you have found your soul mate, and that you are bound together- “through sickness and through health”
3. Marriage shows that you are “equally yoked”, meaning that you shared the same values and are “cultivated” in manner similar to each other. This typically assumes that you have the same faith, customs, traditions, etc.

There is certainly more to tease out when it comes to the assumptions about our spiritual or social respect for marriage. However, even beyond that, I would like to acknowledge some of the more-personal assumptions and acknowledgments we make about this “sacred” unity:

1. Married people are less likely to cheat because they have made their acknowledgment of their commitment to you in front of God (However, I have never heard any priest or minister ever mention anything about commitment in marriage).
2. Married people tend to live in more stable homes. Its our basic belief that a mother and father being in the home provide the best foundation and building blocks in order to raise healthy and functional children.

Despite many of the notions I have attempted to place into this conversation, when it comes to marriage, no one seems to identify the basic tenets of marriage without super-fabrication, or some sort of romanticization of the act. We have continued to deny this one word and how it impacts such a unity.

CAPITALISM

For those of you that may not truly understand what capitalism is, then you and I may disagree strongly. Many people may understand capitalism as simply a form of economic policy so as to talk about China being a mixed economy with some elements of capitalism. Before we are to proceed, we have to acknowledge that capitalism is a political movement. Capitalism is a way of life, or more importantly, a system that turns a market into ANYTHING. As you watch ‘For the Love of Ray J’- capitalism. Jersey Shore- capitalism. Pornography- capitalism. Hip hop videos and black culture- capitalism. Religion- capitalism. It’s a way of life that has turned everything sacred into a political and economic process. In its basic form, it is expressed in terms of investment. It takes the valued culture and attachments one makes about marriage, life, God, and their children, and turns them into to materials made to be invested upon and profited upon.

Before I am verbally attacked, I would advise you to acknowledge that profit, like in capitalism, is not always measured or evaluated in dollars and cents. Coca-Cola can send some free Coke to Haiti just to make the people feel as if they care. It is because in this system, they understand that your emotions, dreams and ideas can quickly be turned into a dollar. Artist simply do not rap just for the sake of art, but for the sake of being compensated for their inner-most discretions and indiscretions. This is not the nature of man, for those that may think so.

Marriage is the same way. Though, before we begin to elaborate on marriage, lets understand what marriage really is:

1. Marriage is a way that people or persons fiscally tie their emotions with the other.
2. Marriage is also a tool in which people use to be looked upon favorably, understanding following the model of “family man or woman” will create benefits opportunity-wise and financially down the line
3. Most of all, in this system, marriage is purely legal, economic (generates billions in revenue as far as employment, marriage officers, clerks, counselors, pastors/priests/rabbi’s, wedding planners, RINGS, etc.), and superficial- for most of it lacks any cultural components of cultural emphasis (tradition and culture are not always synonymous because tradition without the understanding of culture is pointless- its like not knowing why men take their hats off in the building).

Lets understand that in my first list of acknowledgments concerning the social acknowledgments of marriage, all of these components are or should be acknowledged before marriage is even there. If someone has lied to you before marriage, they likely will lie to you after marriage. If you were never equally yoked before marriage, you wont be after the ceremony. And if God had not been in the relationship before marriage, God wont be there after it. The crucial components that make a relationship sustainable are things attained through spending time together, and just because you have exchanged a ring and have some religious figure talk to you about how God will be on your side will not change anything. Is the bond never felt before marriage?

Also, people only believe in these super-spiritual notions about marriage while its convenient for them. They are only equally-yoked until he or she cheats, or gets fatter, or loses some money or loses a job. They are only soul-mates until the man decides to get abusive and the vows and all the other decrees quickly fly out the door. The divorce rate in America has never been larger, and its because once the materials or exhilaration of the marriage declines, so does the value. As soon as one feels as if they are not receiving profit for their emotional investment, that’s when the partnership, the merger, or the business- regardless of how much the two have gained together- closes up. Then, the law creates a severance package, which is used a contractual tool. When a football team decides to waive a player, it means that they still have to pay the players' salary until the the contract runs out. This is partially a tool the players union bargains for to keep team owners from aborting contracts early and coaxes them into remaining faithful to their contractual obligation, which was to have the player through “sickness and through health” until their contract expires. In marriage the contract is a life time, and unless you do not have a ‘no-waive-clause’ (prenuptial agreement), you will likely lose big.

But isn't that the essence of capitalism? Its a place where Where you place your eggs in one basket. Shouldn't marriage be one of those things where the partner says: “I love you, and you are worth going broke for if this doesn’t work out because I am giving you my all, anyway… I have no problem losing opportunities for you because I love you and I am not worried about my individualistic welfare because I am never planning to become that way because we are soul-mates for eternity.”

Nope.

Because in capitalism, you place opportunity and resources over the companion. Re-read what I said: capitalism turns EVERYTHING into a market, even the things we hold sacred. It reverses and usurps its meaning, taints it, and it becomes something completely opposite in what its intended to be. Marriage no longer becomes a spiritual bond but becomes superficial BONDAGE, where I stay faithful to my wife not because I love her, but partially because I do not want to lose what I have gained. I come home at night, make love to my woman not because I simply want to please her, but also its in my best economic and legal interest to keep her pleased. I want to works things out- not just because I truly would love to have my wife here, but because of the economic and legal pains we would both have to go through. There is nothing sacred about that, and if that’s the marriage you want, you can keep it. Love is one of those things that should not be bolstered by material comfort. It’s a gamble. Besides, the alimony will never heal those wounds, you’ll still be bitter despite you winning custody or you retaining the house.

The problem inherent with this line of thinking is that many of us are consistent with our thinking patterns. If behind our companion we see a legal and financial obligation, then certainly we will see it behind our children! Our children today are immediately seen as a mouth feed or a body clothe instead of a spirit to nurture. And then your children will see you as a spoon to feed them and wallet to clothe them. And we’re all too familiar of what happens when any group of people see each other as a utility- you begin to FEEL like one.

In conclusion, I surmise that marriage should simply be a public acknowledgment of unity. It becomes a place where the community sees and holds each other accountable. In addition, I would love to see my Queen and I not buy each other rings, but rather get tattoos or a marking that we only identify- which acknowledges the unique and particular bond that we possess. She has no need to change her last name to mine, for her identity is just as worthy as mine. Nor do we need to go through the legal ramifications of marriage. We can simply have this ceremony without any paperwork. I want cultural relevance, not political or economic. I want the spirit there- a sincere acknowledgment of our emotions. I want my ceremony to be a celebration of what we have already established, not what will happen in the future because all we ever really have is the present. It’s a pledge of commitment because it is made to the public, an official joining of the families, and the development of tradition and a culture. That’s the way marriage should be.