Man is a knot into which relationships are tied - Antoine DeSaint
As I began to write this blog post on the " male " role in relationships, I cannot help but ponder upon my past experiences. I instantly began to remember my past perceptions of relationships and the perceptions that had been developed by a smorgas-board of social institutions. Some of which include my West Philly up-bringing , my families' thoughts of what men should do in relationships, and the Christian understanding of what it means to be a man and how he should function. With great influences such as these I began to develop a bias or set definition of how I was supposed to "act" when I was with that special young lady.
One of the first beliefs that I was taught was that "men should be a gentlemen at all times". Wow, thinking on this now explains a lot about how socialization can be subtle. I was socialized to believe that I was supposed to be this "perfect Renaissance man" who should never make mistakes and satisfy his woman no matter what. This concept is pure non-sense. It is totally impossible to be perfect and I would venture to say it is insane to believe you could be the "perfect" man.
So, what is the current role of the male in relationships? Lets look at a few roles that men typically play:
Protector
In speaking with several men on my campus about the male role in relationships all of them said " my job is to protect". They all said it with passion and fervor. Protection is critical for men and women. Men get a great sense of pride in knowing that they can keep their women safe and women gain a great sense of comfort in knowing that despite the situation, their man will take care of "it". Thus making the male role of " protector" a tremendous load to lift.
As I began to write this blog post on the " male " role in relationships, I cannot help but ponder upon my past experiences. I instantly began to remember my past perceptions of relationships and the perceptions that had been developed by a smorgas-board of social institutions. Some of which include my West Philly up-bringing , my families' thoughts of what men should do in relationships, and the Christian understanding of what it means to be a man and how he should function. With great influences such as these I began to develop a bias or set definition of how I was supposed to "act" when I was with that special young lady.
One of the first beliefs that I was taught was that "men should be a gentlemen at all times". Wow, thinking on this now explains a lot about how socialization can be subtle. I was socialized to believe that I was supposed to be this "perfect Renaissance man" who should never make mistakes and satisfy his woman no matter what. This concept is pure non-sense. It is totally impossible to be perfect and I would venture to say it is insane to believe you could be the "perfect" man.
So, what is the current role of the male in relationships? Lets look at a few roles that men typically play:
Protector
In speaking with several men on my campus about the male role in relationships all of them said " my job is to protect". They all said it with passion and fervor. Protection is critical for men and women. Men get a great sense of pride in knowing that they can keep their women safe and women gain a great sense of comfort in knowing that despite the situation, their man will take care of "it". Thus making the male role of " protector" a tremendous load to lift.
Provider
This concept can be traced to a variety of sources . One source I want to talk about is the biblical understanding of male provision. According to the Book of Genesis ( Gen 3:19), God tasks the man with providing for the woman. This in turn has carried over into our "Judeo Christian" understanding of the male role as a provider.
Do you believe that this should still be the case or have we grown out of this phase of human socialization? A few things to consider is the countless implications that come from this notion.
They include but are not limited too male dominance, female inferiority and a society based on the rule and reign of men. This had all been triggered by the notion that men should be providers which makes them do anything to provide so that they will not feel powerless.
I have only begun to scratch the surface of this critical question. It is my hope that you now consider the male role in relationships. Men, start to think of the roles you play and why you play them. Women, begin to examine the roles you want your man to play and the roles your father has played. After this we can has a elaborate conversation on this issue!
The roles that men and women play vary. In its application to the black experience, women certainly are much less demanding for their men to be protectors. Throughout the African-American experience, the woman has always been on her own. Black families have traditionally matriarchal origins in America- the women are certainly more open to playing the role of the protector, especially for her children.
ReplyDeleteHowever, most would like to appeal to the European model of relationships- where the male is the provider and protector and the woman is the cultivator and nurturer. In black relationships, however, a contrast always exist. You have men who, as you have stated, literally pride themselves and base their manhood on their ability to protect their women (European societies where women and children are the so-called precious jewels of society, whereas men are simply disposable). Unfortunately, black women have been engendered in the role of taking care of herself- whether it be using education or her sexuality as a means of protecting her possessions. This psychologically embedded aspect of black women certainly makes compatibility difficult for the black male, who cannot feel positive about himself unless he- in some shape or form- resembles the roles of masculinity painted by the dominant culture surrounding him. So members in relationships- especially with black people- are engaged in a power structure where the woman is so used to being dependent and where the man is dependent upon someone being dependent upon him.
In many cultures, fortunately, these roles are shared. We certainly shouldnt live in a society where the protection duties lie in just one sex. The man should protect himself and protect his woman and the woman should protect herself and protect her man. And both should share the roles in providing as well.
*-Derrick Reed
In most aspects those two roles are still important among a few others that men play in relationships. I think in todays society they both are taken to the extreme.
ReplyDelete