What would have to happen to make you leave your children?
When contemplating fatherlessness this is always a question that comes up. Then, I consider various responsibilities that I have accepted (directly or indirectly) and haven’t performed well in or marginally neglected. I consider the circumstances and my justifications for my lack of commitment to these responsibilities: They wanted too much from me; they weren’t paying me enough; I had more pressing and urgent things to do at the time; I didn’t like the people; I was going through things at the time. Excuses these may be; it does not negate the fact we have all been the point where we consider neglecting responsibility we sign up for or that is placed on us.
So before I throw damnations onto my absentee father I consider the excuses I have made.
We must consider and realize that no man plans to never be there for their children. Many of these men are outgrowths of absentee fatherhood as well, as the rest of the communities’ men (some who are absentee dads themselves) pick up the slack. In fact, growing up I knew of several men in the community who had been there for other people’s children but weren’t there for their own. Ironically, while we praise some of the men stepping up and mentoring young boys and girls, many of them could be the same people we loathe. It all depends upon one’s point of relativity. Anyways, we must consider what would make a man who loathes the father that wasn’t there for him become the same man he loathes? It is a mystery just as much as it is an epic tale of an Oedipus- like fate. Notions of Generational curses, slavery, and political and social forces all come to play when we consider to stigma of absentee fatherhood.
The fact is that every individual story is different, but let’s reconsider the various justifications that come up: I wasn’t man enough- they wanted too much from me; I wasn’t making enough money; I was going through too many changes; I never asked to be a father; I was young and ignorant; I didn’t like your mother’s family; I was being selfish. Excuses these may be; but it does not negative the reality that you CAN relate and make the connection, with respect to human lives (and in our society in general, there is not THAT much value in human life). And with respect to women, many of these justifications do not absolve women of responsibility- many of them are given the raw end of the deal, I concede this reality. However, I am not qualified to provide commentary on that matter. The fact that our humanity emanates from the woman’s body in many ways cause women to understand human life in ways I could never fathom, but I digress.
Why did they stay away? Why didn’t they come back? Think about successful people who never come back to where they’re from. Once you’re gone, and stay gone, it is much easier to forget from going back- the fear of eternal condemnation, begrudging judgments, and unforgiveable social sin consumes the heart and mind. Besides, what is the point for trying to redeem a mistake that is not redeemable? There must be a threshold we give our absentee fathers. We must make them feel like there is a chance at redemption, instead of placing all our social problems on their absence. Or should they come back, let you yell at them for a few years just to continue blaming them? I understand we are hurt, but as with everything with US, we must lick our wounds constructively to recover. Instead of telling him how he doesn’t fit the model, you can tell him where and when he can.
